Last night (which technically was today) I went to my room in tears. Why? Because my drunk brother embarrassed me in front of my family, and played to all my insecurities about my jaw (unbeknownst to him, to be fair). In a matter of a joke in front of everyone, he basically said that since I've never brought a boy to the house, I must be a lesbian. It was an in-your-face joke where the attention in on you to deflect it, and he kept saying it and asking me to reply. I was immediately upset not because of the accusation of being a lesbian, but, firstly, more of the fact that in the crudest terms the implication is of a butch or masculine woman (no offense meant to anyone out there, but that is a real stereotype), and secondly, that it was prying into my personal relations, and the fact that I have no self-esteem to even consider anyone finding me attractive.
Basically what he did was bring to the surface my lack of esteem and my feelings that my jaw makes me look -and feel- masculine.
Well, he came to me an apologised for the joke (which in itself wasn't why I was upset), so when I told him it was because I thought my jaw made me feel un-feminine he immediately realised why his lesbian comment struck a chord, he apologised again more profoudly. I accepted his apology, but I'm still upset.
I'm not upset for what he said in terms of blaming him, because nobody really knew how bad I feel about my jaw. I just get upset when something or someone reminds me of how I feel about myself. I can't help the lack of self-esteem because it has grown with me as I've grown up waiting for this treatment, even though people won't understand it. This is how I feel and why I simply cannot wait until my operation.
The good thing to come from this? Well, I suppose in a way it's good that my family realise the extent of my feelings about my jaw now. Also, it happened after midnight so it didn't offically ruin my Christmas!
I don't think this is too personal to share, and the fact is that however I feel about my jaw cannot be resolved or comforted because my opinion won't change until my appearance does. Not in a shallow way of course, but in the sense that once my underbite is corrected, so my appearance will be, and hopefully so will my esteem
I always say in my posts sorry for being melodramatic. Maybe if I hadn't gone through most of my teenage life with the knowledge of my underbite and that is was serious enough to need correcting, I might not have focused so much on it. But, that's life.
So, sorry for sounding melodramatic!
Bring on the 12th........
Still. Not. Finished.
7 years ago
Okay, first you are beautiful and don't believe anything else. Second, I understand how you feel. I was made fun of for most of grade school for my looks. I hated being pictures or seeing myself on camera.
ReplyDeleteMy surgery has made a dramatic difference in my life. My looks are so much better and my self-esteem has risen to a new level. I had no idea how surgery would change my life. I actually like seeing myself in pictures now. : ) You are going to be fine. Bring in the new year with a big smile!!!