Repressed Feelings, Pessimism and Realism

My last post was in jest, because I haven't been thinking about the clinic with my surgeon. But now I'm feeling quite a bit different.
My mum told me off yesterday for moaning, because she was talking about a holiday in May or June time, and I said you'd better wait because it's not like I'm going be having the surgery in December now, so it will be around that time. She told me not to be so defeatist, and that I always think of the worst. So I said, erm hello, my ortho said I was '6 months away' in January so I don't hang onto her every word, my first surgery date is 80% likely to be cancelled anyway, and it's already November. All in all, I said I was being a realist! I still wish I could have a December surgery though. And this has made me come to a realisation-



I hate waiting for things without resolution, and getting hopefull for things that turn out to elude me yet. As I get closer to major appointments (and this is the most major), I always end up making myself upset (like now, as I write this), because I dwell on the outcome; now, whether my surgery will be in December, or not. I'm not pessimistic because I want to be, but because I don't want to be disappointed, and pin my hopes on a 2009 surgery that won't happen. My underbite is literally the bane of my life; I don't enjoy feeling masculine and, in turn, ugly. I don't not being able to eat foods properly, neatly, normally. I don't enjoy having a lisp that makes me sound childish. All in all, if I were to be slightly melodramatic (but truthful all the same), all these things make me feel degraded

So, whenever the surgery eludes me, I get upset. To counteract this, I try not to feel hopeful about getting the surgery this year, so the blow won't come too hard if/when it turns out my surgery indeed will not be this year. But I still can't stop myself from hoping for a 2009 surgery. But my hope is incongruous, because I'm not optimistic.
 I can't describe what I mean, but perhaps people understand somewhat! I hate to sound like a whiny teenager who is talking nonsense, but I want surgery this year because, while I can cope with waiting until next year -'some time' next year- I don't relish thought. A December surgery would give me time to recover, without missing any school work, and I could start the new year positivly. To me, waiting until next year is a huge slap in the face, because then it will be a case of having to wait until my exams are finished- so, effectively, waiting longer than I need to. If I wait until about May or June time, then all I will be able to think is this could have been done ages ago.
I'll feel pratted around by the system- how hard is it for everything to be ready for December? Just to be clear about my annoyance on this- this is in terms of appointments with my ortho for molds, etc, as I don't see why there needs to be a huge wait between those- I think I've already mentioned my surgeon specialises in oral cancer, and I would never resent these patient's having priority over me

Well, again, I hope I don't sound like a selfish teenager who needs a slap. Though perhaps I could do with one